Helping you overcome infidelity is my specialty. As a master coach in Radical Forgiveness, supporting couples through all forms of relationship breakdowns, nothing warms my heart quite like the seemingly impossible marriage turnarounds I see with my clients after they’ve experienced infidelity. You can truly have a better relationship AFTER healing from the affair, than you ever had before. If……. You meet the criteria coming up in this blog. Last year, when I released my fourth book: HAPPY LOVE – 5 Essential Steps to Help Frustrated Couples Fall in Love Again, I knew it was time to simplify the process and share some hope with you, through the case studies of other couples just like you. You will definitely want to read on and see for yourself…
I want to help protect you from infidelity if it has not existed in your relationship, or help you recover from it, if it already has.
There are two main reasons why people cheat: They don’t like monogamy period, or they are monogamous by nature but something went wrong. And there are two ways in which it happens… a man or woman is looking for someone to have an affair with, or it comes into their life unexpectedly.
The first kind of person who cheats will openly admit, if they are being honest, that they are not wired for monogamy, they don’t prefer monogamy, or they don’t believe in it. This is a person who may prefer a polygamous relationship—an open marriage where they are committed to just one person as a life partner but have more than one sex partner—or they may prefer not to be in a committed relationship at all.
As for the ways in which infidelity happens, some people cheat on purpose, seeking out a person to engage with, while others are caught off guard by someone else’s attention, and they like it, so they allow it to develop dangerously into something more. When it is unexpected, and a partner realizes just how good it feels to have that kind of connection with someone, they may realize, only at that moment, just how unhappy they had been at home. The best choice once you realize you’re unhappy at home, because you like the way it feels when someone else is nice to you, flirts with you, compliments you, makes you feel excited again… is to head home and work on repairing the relationship with the one you love. Sadly, most people don’t slow down their action or reaction train enough, and they get swept up in an affair they later regret, never taking the time to reflect on how they got so unhappy and what could be done about it.
The second type of person who cheats didn’t know they had it in them to do something so hurtful, until after it happened or after they got caught for it. They are likely unhappy in their relationship but either feel that they cannot leave or don’t want to leave. I have worked with many clients who were so worried about leaving their partner because they didn’t think the other person would be okay on their own financially or emotionally, and they said things like, “I didn’t want to hurt them,” or “I couldn’t imagine leaving the kids.” They tend to be monogamous, and yet the condition of their relationship is no longer meeting their needs; and although they don’t want to leave the relationship (or at least not now), they are going to meet some of their needs elsewhere. Although sex is one of the things that may take place in an affair, it is not necessarily the reason most people cheat. They cheat to feel alive again, good enough, wanted, special, important, taken care of…. They cheat to feel alive in whatever ways they were feeling dead in their relationship.
That there are reasons for infidelity is in no way condoning infidelity. It is good to know the reasons why people cheat, to safeguard your relationship, although the liabilities that can lead to an affair are not an excuse for having one, nor do they make the decision any less painful to the person being cheated on. Infidelity is extremely hurtful and wrong to do in a committed relationship where both partners have agreed upon monogamy. Knowing why people make the choice to do something they fundamentally believe to be wrong, simply allows us to explore the anatomy of infidelity, and to consider both sides. There is the side of the partner who got cheated on, who is likely devastated and furious, and there is the side of the one who committed the adultery, who was possibly suffering for quite sometime in their own way, perhaps unexpressed, or expressed and met with no change or hope.
This is the reality for most of the couples I work with. The husband or wife who got cheated on is crushed, beside themselves, grieving the relationship they thought they had, and plagued with broken trust, insecurity, fear, anger, and sometimes depression. It is an extremely painful trauma to go through when you love your partner, and especially if you would never do the same to them, no matter how unhappy you felt in the relationship.
No one is perfect in a relationship, and while cheating on someone is heartbreaking and the most awful thing to experience, it isn’t okay either if a partner has been verbally abused for 25 years, made to feel useless, never good enough, unprioritized, untouched, and unfulfilled.
Amazingly, infidelity can be the trauma that ends a relationship, or the trauma that shakes it to its core, allowing a couple, with the right professional help, to rewrite their entire relationship. All of the couples that I work with, who are choosing to stay together, get to design their relationship to be better than it was before the infidelity. They get to fix the original root cause issues that predate the affair(s), and actually solve what was blocking their happiness all along.
My clients who chose to stay together after infidelity, have better marriages now than they ever had before. They experience falling in love again, and for the first time in their relationship (and sometimes for the first time in their lives), they are totally vulnerable and open. They’re honest about the secrets they kept from the world and each other—about how they were raised, what their fears are, and what it takes to help them feel safe, happy, and loved. It’s extraordinary to watch a couple heal and rewrite their love story. But long before I will help a couple heal, I have six conditions that must be met in order to take them on.
1. The one who cheated is remorseful.
2. The one who cheated takes full ownership for their actions.
3. The one who cheated has cut off contact with whomever they engaged with in adultery.
4. The one who cheated is willing to give full disclosure and access to proof of information to their partner.
5. The partner who was cheated on is willing to look at what their part might have been in co-creating the condition that existed before the infidelity.
6. Both partners still want to be together and to work on their relationship, getting professional help.
I have met clients over the years who have gone through infidelity, and some of their relationships were not meant to recover from it, because without meeting the conditions above, the relationships would never be healthy. However, I have also witnessed countless couples getting a second chance and getting it right—even some who got a fourth chance, and finally got it right.
Here are some examples; and to protect my clients’ privacy, of course, the names have been changed.
Clients: Mary and Grant
Details of infidelity: He had an eight-year affair that was both physical and emotional. In addition, he had been playing outside the lines of their marriage on erotica sites, sex hot lines, and other media platforms, trying to meet his needs. Mary had found out by receiving a letter from his mistress, and called me, in pieces.
Problems that existed before the affair: To meet this couple today, you would never know what they went through, as they are both such lovely people. Before the affair, it had been a long and bumpy road for them. Grant came into the relationship as a quiet man, emotionally shut down from his childhood with an abusive father, and Mary came in like a force of nature, with a young child. Before he was truly ready, Grant became a family man. He had so much baggage that he didn’t even know he had. For example, his father threatened to hurt him when he was a little boy, for going to snuggle with his mother after he had been injured. He told him that real boys don’t seek comfort from their mother. Quietly that day, Grant decided he would never show the woman closest to him how vulnerable he was, or admit that he needed her love, or share when he needed help. He would just suffer quietly on his own, shove his feelings deep down, and carry on. Or at least attempt to carry on.
As the relationship developed between Mary and Grant, she was the dominant partner and became more like a parent to him than a wife. This emasculated Grant and made him withdraw even further. Initially, Mary had the higher sex-drive, and would initiate sex all the time, only to be turned down. She would shut him down outside the bedroom, so at first, he was shutting her down in the bedroom. She’d had enough of being rejected, and decided to fill her emptiness with food, and gain weight so that sex wouldn’t be on her mind either. The distance grew between them in a romantic sense, but as partners running a family and a home, they did pretty well. They made a great team in many ways, except in their marriage as love partners. The more Mary reminded him of his mother, the less he could go to her for closeness, because he had decided, as a little boy afraid of his father, that it was not safe to do so. They were trapped in a vicious cycle, of Mary feeling rejected by Grant and making him feel like a child, and Grant feeling unable to share his true self or feelings with Mary.
For Mary, it seemed to work well enough. She filled the missing bits of their marriage with her career, their children, the house, projects, socializing, and keeping herself happy in other ways, all while remaining devotedly committed to the marriage. She would never ever cheat on Grant, and even though she loved sex, she learned to live without it and “make do.” Not so much for Grant. He was really suffering and, unlike Mary, he was not fine with it. He couldn’t share his feelings or opinions with her because she was always right; so eventually, he just pretended to be fine with whatever she wanted. He felt that it was pointless to share his thoughts. Sexless for two years, because she was now turning him down instead of the other way around, he felt lonely and lost. Without having the tools for communication at the time, or feeling safe that he could share without judgement, he hid his loneliness and used a variety of online and telephone services to meet his repressed sexual needs. Then he met his mistress, and an eight-year relationship began.
Grant and Mary were both so good at pretending things were fine that in eight years he had never shared how unhappy he was. Mary had no idea about the affair, and found out only after it had already ended. She was absolutely mortified, shocked, and devastated. But for this couple, what has transpired since is truly remarkable, and it is proof that love can be restored when the reasons that destroyed it in the first place are identified and repaired at the source.
What they did about it: Mary reached out to me for help after a friend told her she should leave the marriage, but since she was choosing to stay, she said I was the one person who could help them. She asked me if it was possible to heal a marriage after all of this trauma. I told her that it depends on many factors, but that the six conditions had to be met for them to have a fair chance. I asked her each of the six questions listed earlier, and she confidently answered each one of them with a “yes!” This couple could heal if they did the work, and they did. I did a session alone for Mary, to help her look at all of her options, and then we did a session with her and Grant. They decided to hire me privately right away instead of attending a group class, so we did a private, six-hour, marriage makeover session, and then dove right into the three-month marriage transformation program of private coaching and mentorship.
From the first moment, they were both so kind, open, coachable, and willing to embrace the process whole heartedly with open arms. I could tell that they were both gems that needed to be dusted off and polished, and that underneath the mistakes that were made, were two amazing people who had gotten very lost.
I guided them through my Five-step I.D.E.A.L. Love Method and taught them The 6 Secret Skills of Happy Couples, plus how to become one. Mary and Grant devoured this process ravenously and were so eager to heal and work on themselves and the marriage, putting their healing process first. Just like it takes nine months to grow in pregnancy and more than nine days to lose all the weight after a baby comes, the magnitude of Grant’s infidelity was massive, and so would the recovery effort need to be. To honour the size of his faults, Grant took a month off work to focus full-time on helping his wife recover from the devastating news, and we used that month to rebuild them. They did lots of individual work, ethics work, homework together, and even a letter to their adult children. We did work around honesty, fidelity, and values. They rediscovered their sexual relationship, and they tell me all the time that they are more in love now, and happier together than they ever were before the affair.
How they are now: After just two sessions with me, and having been sexless together for 10 years, they began making love again and were enjoying the second honeymoon that no one ever expects… the honeymoon period after an affair. Over the following month, they literally rewrote their entire marriage. We held family coaching sessions to help their adult children also heal from the affair, which they had known about, and as I graduated them out of my care, we prepped them for their vow renewal. I can honestly say that this couple is better off for having gone through the awful pain that they did, because it forced them to finally fix the problems that existed since their beginning as a couple. They have learned to communicate, negotiate, apologize, make love again, connect on all levels, and love each other rightly. They are absolutely wonderful people, and I am so grateful that by working together we could help both of them get free from their pain and keep their family together. They are showing their children what it looks like when you mess up, own it, fix it, and get a second chance to be successful, if you work hard enough to deserve it. They are not teaching their kids to settle; they are showing their kids just how much can go wrong if you hide behind your problems and don’t express your needs to your partner. They are showing how to work for what you are committed to, even if it seems like it might be too late.
They are talking openly and honestly about absolutely everything, and the shame has completely left this marriage. They are new people. They feel giddy with love, and after spending time with one of their friends, who hadn’t seen them in years, their friend said: “You two look like honeymooners. You look so in love! Like teenagers!”
So, where’s the hope for you? First of all, it doesn’t have to take forever to fix a relationship, and even awful situations, once understood, can be transformed. Regardless of how minor or serious your relationship issues are at this time, the powerful five-step process and six proven techniques I used with Grant and Mary, can work for you too. You can use the methods on your own, working through the tools I provide on the website, or if you know that you need some professional support, you can go to www.TheLiftedLid.com, and schedule a complimentary relationship help strategy session. I am here for you and here to help!
Today, Grant and Mary are so happy, so in love and they’ve just celebrated one year since their vow renewal ceremony. Part of their new tool kit includes my Six Secret Skills of Happy Couples:
1. Learning how to love each other the right way.
2. Mastering the art of the heart to heart conversation.
3. Cleaning up messes with the world’s most meaningful apology.
4. Negotiating lovingly and effectively to meet your needs.
5. The perfect formula for dating each other and what to do with quality time.
6. Transforming your quality of sex, love, and intimacy.
Here’s one more case study for you:
Clients: Wanda and Kristine
Details of infidelity: Wanda had a three-week affair with a colleague, which was very sexual.
Problems that existed before the affair: Wanda was a very affectionate woman. She was outgoing and a great communicator; she was warm and loved to have fun. Kristine was quiet, reserved, kept to herself, and wasn’t big on physical affection. During the honeymoon phase of their relationship, they were doing all the right things, trying to impress each other, and while it was new, it was easy. Kristine was willing to be intimate, but Wanda had no idea that she didn’t enjoy sex, and without knowing some key information, they got married. Almost immediately after, things fell apart as Kristine went back to her regular self and withdrew open communication, affection, and kissing from Wanda. Wanda was dying inside, and it retriggered her emotional eating disorder from childhood. She loved this woman so much that she had committed to spend her life with her, and yet she suddenly felt trapped in a touchless relationship. There was no kissing for three years before Wanda ventured out. She felt truly awful for what she did, and I have never met someone, in all my years working with clients, who owned it as well as Wanda. When we began working together, we discovered that there was sexual abuse in Kristine‘s past, and she had watched men abuse her family, so she believed sex was a way for someone else to use you for pleasure, and she shut down her sexual self completely. Also, she had been forced to remain silent about her sexual orientation, and learned to hide her true feelings, which shut down her ability to have the open communication Wanda craved. Wanda had a life where she felt empty and out of control. She would fill the void with food, and hated herself for it.
What they did about it: Both women attended my “Fall in Love Again” couples class, and completed my three-month private coaching program of marriage mentoring. Wanda was willing to do individual coaching with me as well, and she is thriving in all ways now! Kristine did a bit of personal work as well, and once we could see what in the past had caused the issues in the present, she learned the tools for taking her power back and stepping into her new self. She is now more confident in conversations; she is sexually expressive, and these women have not only fallen in love again… they have decided to renew their vows. What it takes for this couple to be happy is for Wanda to give Kristine some space and alone time when she gets home from work. After 45 minutes alone, Kristine is able to be the communicative partner Wanda craves. Also, once Kristine learned how to receive pleasure from sex, and to heal from the sexual trauma of her past, she could then express her likes and dislikes to her partner, and they are both enjoying their intimacy now. Wanda needs more fun in her life, and Kristine needs more time at home, so Wanda plays sports two nights a week to give Kristine the alone time she craves and to get the adrenaline rush she needs. Then they dedicate their weekends to each other for couple time. They have found their groove and are doing so well now!
As you can see from the client examples above, each case of infidelity is unique. Some relationships will survive it, while others won’t or would be better off not to, but the best way to overcome infidelity is to go through the Five-step I.D.E.A.L. Love Method and The 6 Secret Skills of Happy Couples. It’s also important to talk about honesty and dishonesty, which are companion subjects to infidelity, along with values, preferences, and best practices.
There are many levels of honesty, which include answering when asked; volunteering information when it's not asked; coming clean about past withholds; and sharing information that your partner would want to know, based on their personality, expectations, and values. Dishonesty includes withholding information that is relevant to your partner, big lies, small lies, white lies, and exaggerations. Exceptions would be planning a surprise party for your partner and needing to lie to keep it a surprise. Honesty also includes being honest about one's feelings. Don’t say “fine” if it’s not or you’re not fine. Don’t say “okay” to something if it’s not okay or you’re not okay with it. Don’t say sorry if you’re not sorry. Honesty is a much broader subject than most couples realize. I could write a whole book on that subject alone. It takes a long time to build trust, even longer to rebuild it, and just seconds to destroy it.
It’s also important to talk about your values. You and your partner will want to talk about fidelity, monogamy, fetishes, preferences, boundaries, expectations, fantasies, exclusions, sensitive topics, triggering subjects, and what ifs. It is so important for couples to share their values and create their value agreements around morals, ethics, substances, sexuality, and of course, all of those traditional things like religion or spirituality, food, health, money, family, where to live, quality of life, living style, time management, division of labour, and so on. Talk about what these words mean to you. What are your limits, boundaries, expectations, and requests? What is grey, and what’s black and white?
Without having these types of discussions, you can really run into trouble by having an expectation or assumption that has never actually been discussed or agreed upon. The use of pornography is a key example. Don’t assume your partner won’t use it, and don’t assume that if you use it, your partner would be fine with that. These are important things to discuss and come to an understanding of what both of you prefer and feel safe with in your relationship. I had a client recently tell me that they never thought it was a problem to use phone sex lines, video sex chats, and other erotic media for self- stimulation, because they were not actually touching anyone but themselves. Their spouse definitely didn’t share their views and was horrified to find out what had been going on behind closed doors.
You are entitled to your own preferences and interests. What matters is that you give your partner the respect of knowing what you’re into, and allow them to see if they feel comfortable with it or not. It’s better to be open about who you are and find a partner who accepts you exactly that way.
After infidelity, there are three D’s to help repair trust in the relationship.
D – Disclose / D – Disconnect / D – Discard
The partner who cheated must from now on be forthcoming about information, and disclose without having to be asked. For example, if you bumped into the other man/woman by accident today at the grocery store, that is information you should volunteer to your partner, and not wait for them to ask, “Soooo…. anything important to tell me?” It goes without saying that you must completely cut ties and disconnect from the person who you cheated with, and also discard any memorabilia that connects you to the affair and triggers memories for you, which are painful memories for your partner. This means not holding on to letters, pictures, emails, or gifts from that other person. It is simply not healthy to keep mementos from an affair if you are staying in your current relationship and want to make it work.
Another best practice I recommend to all of my clients is creating new vows. After infidelity, I suggest considering it like a new relationship, or marriage, to the same person. Especially for married couples who have taken a vow that’s been broken, this step is very important. Rather than living in a broken marriage, we actually create a new marriage that can begin whole and remain whole.
To safeguard a relationship from infidelity, I highly recommend having weekly dates with your sweetie, regular intimacy, and real and honest communication, as well as expressing any sexual dysfunction, limitations, or programming from religion or childhood, such as sexual guilt or hurts from previous relationships. Create the kind of open communication in your relationship where it's possible for a partner to come home, and rather than say the unthinkable: “I have had an affair,” say the difficult but not nearly as hard: “I am feeling disconnected from you. I feel we’re at risk of falling out of love with each other. My needs aren't being met inside this relationship, and this relationship means the world to me, but at the moment it is not fulfilling, and there's something urgent we need to do about that because I don't want my eyes to look elsewhere; I don't want my body to go elsewhere. I know we need help to fix this because we are at risk, and we are leaving ourselves open to temptation by not fixing these issues.” That’s the brave relationship conversation that if partners could have and then solve, there would be no need for infidelity.
So, what else can you do today if your relationship has experienced infidelity, or if there is a risk of it?
1. Check out one of my favourite speakers on the subject, Esther Perel, who has many great videos on YouTube at https://www.youtube.com/user/perelesther.
2. Visit my website, www.TheLiftedLid.com, to schedule an emergency complimentary relationship support session. I am here for you. You don’t have to go through this alone.
3. Check out this blog post to help you have a loving and productive conversation with your partner: https://www.theliftedlid.com/post/mastering-the-art-of-heart-to-heart-conversations-to-gain-instant-reconnection
4. And this post on spotting the bind spots in your relationship: https://www.theliftedlid.com/post/you-cant-solve-what-you-cant-see
Trust takes time to build, and even more time to repair. There is so much in store for you if you want more goodies like my proven process for redesigning or restoring your relationship, The I.D.E.A.L. LOVE Method, which I would love to share with you, plus all the details to master The 6 Secret Skills of Happy Couples. You can make your relationship extraordinary again … even if that currently seems impossible. Please visit https://www.theliftedlid.com/specialties/relationship-coach to see what supports are available for you and what other couples have to say after doing the work.
P.S. You can also visit www.YourHappyLove.com, and download the free tools that I created to support you with the HAPPY LOVE book, to help you enhance your relationship. Can’t find what you’re looking for? You can always send me a confidential text message to 416-797-5856.
Sending you so much love, because you deserve to be HAPPY in LIFE and in LOVE!
Hailey xo
P.S. If you want a super short summary of this blog, here is the speed version lol:
There are two main reasons why people cheat: They don’t like monogamy period, or they are monogamous by nature but something went wrong.
· The one who cheated is remorseful.
· The one who cheated takes full ownership for their actions.
· The one who cheated has cut off contact with whomever they engaged with in adultery.
· The one who cheated is willing to give full disclosure and access to proof of information to their partner.
· The partner who was cheated on is willing to look at what their part might have been in co-creating the condition that existed before the infidelity.
· Both partners still want to be together and to work on their relationship, getting professional help.
To repair your relationship after infidelity you’ll want my tool kit with the Six Secret Skills of Happy Couples:
· Learning how to love each other the right way.
· Mastering the art of the heart to heart conversation.
· Cleaning up messes with the world’s most meaningful apology.
· Negotiating lovingly and effectively to meet your needs.
· The perfect formula for dating each other and what to do with quality time.
· Transforming your quality of sex, love, and intimacy.
The best way to overcome infidelity is to go through the Five-step I.D.E.A.L. Love Method and The 6 Secret Skills of Happy Couples. It’s also important to talk about honesty and dishonesty, which are companion subjects to infidelity, along with values, preferences, and best practices.
There are many levels of honesty, which include answering when asked; volunteering information when it's not asked; coming clean about past withholds; and sharing information that your partner would want to know, based on their personality, expectations, and values.
It’s also important to talk about your values. You and your partner will want to talk about fidelity, monogamy, fetishes, preferences, boundaries, expectations, fantasies, exclusions, sensitive topics, triggering subjects, and what ifs.
After infidelity, there are three D’s to help repair trust in the relationship.
D – Disclose / D – Disconnect / D – Discard
Another best practice I recommend to all of my clients is creating new vows.
To safeguard a relationship from infidelity, I highly recommend having weekly dates with your sweetie, regular intimacy, and real and honest communication, as well as expressing any sexual issues.
So, what else can you do today if your relationship has experienced infidelity, or if there is a risk of it?
Visit my website, www.TheLiftedLid.com, to schedule an emergency complimentary relationship support session. I am here for you. You don’t have to go through this alone.
Trust takes time to build, and even more time to repair. You can make your relationship extraordinary again … even if that currently seems impossible. Please visit https://www.theliftedlid.com/specialties/relationship-coach to see what supports are available for you and what other couples have to say after doing the work.
Can’t find what you’re looking for? You can always send me a confidential text message to 416-797-5856.
Sending you so much love, because you deserve to be HAPPY in LIFE and in LOVE!
My mission is to bring more happiness, love and success to the world, starting with the most important person this moment… and that’s YOU! My wish for you, is to start living your best life NOW, regardless of what your went through before. I would be so honoured to support you. Schedule your 1st session for free today.
